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Because I speak about male sexuality, I get asked all the time about porn usage. A lot of my colleagues, particularly the more spiritually inclined, tend to lump all porn together and call it all bad. They're anti-porn. Some of my other colleagues similarly lump all porn together and say that it is all good. They're pro-porn. I sit somewhere in the middle. I'm not pro-porn because I definitely think there is porn out there that is perpetuating unhealthy narratives about masculinity, femininity and sexuality as well as exploiting performers and having adverse effects on consumers. I'm not anti-porn because I have seen some amazingly inclusive, diverse, artistic and educational porn that I believe promotes healthy narratives about masculinity, femininity and sexuality as well as empowers performers and celebrates human eroticism. I actually think there are two conversations to have regarding porn usage; (1) What type of porn is being consumed? (2) How is that porn being consumed? The first conversation references ethics. I advocate for ethical porn firstly because of the fair treatment of performers and secondly because it uplifts healthier narratives. As a consumer, it is important to be responsible. The second conversation is about practicalities. Rather than mindlessly jerking off in front of a computer screen, I frame ethical porn as a tool that can be used for embodying eroticism. Perhaps by reading or listening to it, or by standing up and moving while watching, or combining it with mirror work, or not using at all sometimes, or using it in a myriad of other ways. I don't think all porn is bad. I don't think all porn is good. Not all porn is created equal. Bringing intentionality to the porn you're using and how you're using it is my approach. 
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I've spoken with men who are doing NoFap or practicing semen retention and believe that a wet dream is bad because it ends their streak of consecutive days without ejaculating. This has always intrigued me. Wet dreams, also called nocturnal emissions (NE), are spontaneous ejaculations that occur during sleep. While hardly researched, they're considered a normal part of male sexual function and 83% of men will experience NE at some time in their life (Kinsey et al., 1948). . Anecdotally, men report that wet dreams occur more often when they aren't masturbating/ejaculating as much. It's commonly believed that in order to prevent wet dreams, you should masturbate. However, no statistical association between masturbation and NE frequencies has been found (Burg, 1988; Widaman & Helm, 2012; Gul et al., 2018). . Because dreams involving no erotic scenes are capable of eliciting NE (Yu & Fu, 2011), some men share that their wet dreams are just ejaculations without an accompanying orgasm. This is one indication that your body is able to separate orgasm and ejaculation. While NE are considered to simply be an involuntary sympathetic nervous system reflex (Sugar, 1974), there has been a lot of debate about the spiritual/energetic significance of wet dreams. Christian monks from the Middle Ages believed that wet dreams were a temptation and, according to European folklore, were caused by a succubus, a female demon, having sex with the man at night. Saint Augustine held that NE, unlike masturbation, did not pollute the conscience of a man, because they were not voluntary carnal acts, and were therefore not to be considered a sin. This view is confirmed by the Protestant theologian Philip Schaff. Sri Swami Sivananda, commenting on the practice of Brahmacharya, said that there is not much draining of energy and that essence does not come out during wet dreams. It has also been suggested that NE are the body's way of maintaining sperm quality (Levin, 1975). But, I know some teachers believe that with a strong sexual transmutation and sublimation practice, you can stop NE altogether. So, if you're practicing or teaching semen retention, what does a wet dream mean to you?  If you're interested in experimenting with ways to help yourself last longer, here is a pretty unique one. I'm not an orthodontist, so take this with a grain of salt. This is just what my understanding is. You may not think it, but your tongue can carry tension (LeFevre, 2017). Just ask any singing teacher. This tension in your tongue, which affects its position in your mouth, can have an impact on your temporomandibular joints, where your jaw bone connects to your skull (Rosa et al., 2020). Impact on the temporomandibular joints can affect the trigeminal nerve, the largest of the nerves in your face (Pedullá et al., 2009). Stimulation of the trigeminal nerve can trigger the trigeminocardiac reflex, which influences heart rate (Meuwly et al., 2017). It has been found that clenching of the jaw is associated with increased heart rate (Yap & Chua, 2016). In fact, people who suffer from bruxism, which is excessive clenching of the jaw, have been found to have higher levels of the stress hormone cortisol in their bodies (Flueraşu et al., 2021). It is known that elevated heart rate is associated with sympathetic nervous system activation (Gordan, Gwathmey, & Xie, 2015). We also know that the sympathetic nervous system plays an important role in the expulsion part of ejaculation (Clement & Guiliano, 2016), as well as contributing to the etiology of premature ejaculation (Xia et al., 2014). I've spoken at length about this before. In layman's terms, all this is to say that if your tongue is tight it'll make your jaw tense, which will increase your heart rate, kind of like how we clench our jaw when we're angry and our heart rate goes up. This will activate your sympathetic nervous system, which will make you cum quicker. So, relax your tongue. Apparently, when you position your tongue on the palate rather than on the floor of the mouth, there is a significant reduction in heart rate variability (Schimdt et al., 2009). Try some tongue positions next time you're trying not to bust and let me know how it goes.  Our society holds expectations and judgements about sex, which creates sex-related biases. One example is the sexual over perception bias, whereby men are more likely to overestimate a woman's sexual interest (Bendixen, 2014). However, even though men have a tendency to think that women are more interested in them than they really are, there are instances where men falsely infer a lack of intent about sexual interest. The following Aesopian fable gives one possible explanation as to why men may underperceive sexual interest: Driven by hunger, a fox tried to reach some grapes hanging high on the vine but was unable to, although he leaped with all his strength. As he went away, the fox remarked, “Oh, you aren't even ripe yet! I don't need any sour grapes.” Rather than admit his failure to reach the grapes, the fox rationalises that they are not really desirable. Similarly, a man who thinks he has struck out with a woman may attempt to save face by saying, "She wasn't interested in me anyway," even though she actually was interested (Luo & Zhang, 2009). This may be especially true for a man who expects women to be sexually uninterested in him, which can be part of the belief in the sexual double standard, wherein men are lauded for sexual activity while women are derided for it. No doubt a sexual double standard exists. But, this pervasive belief can result in a confirmation bias such that people tend to notice information that confirms the double standard and fail to notice information that refutes it (Marks & Fraley, 2006). Being aware of your own cognitive biases regarding sexuality is so important for challenging societal narratives and learning how to communicate more effectively with your current or potential sexual partner.  Priapism is a medical term describing a condition in which a penis remains erect for hours in the absence of stimulation or after stimulation has ended (Podolej & Babcock, 2017). In most cases, the persistent erection is also painful. The word priapism comes from the Greek word priapizein, meaning ‘be lewd’, which in turn comes from the name of the Greek god Priapus. A minor fertility god in Greek mythology, Priapus was the protector of livestock, fruit plants, and male genitals. He was depicted as having an oversized and permanent erection. According to Greek mythology, Hera cursed Priapus while he was still in the womb of Aphrodite, making him impotent, ugly and foul-minded. The gods did not want Priapus to live with them on Olympus, and he was left on a hillside on Earth. There, he was taken by shepherds who raised him. There are two main subtypes of priapism, ischaemic and non-ischaemic. Ischaemic priapism can be caused by Sickle cell disease, medications such as antipsychotics, SSRIs, blood thinners and prostaglandin E1, as well as certin illicit substances. Non-ischaemic priapism can caused by blunt or penetrating perineal or genital trauma, which may have occurred several weeks before the onset of priapism (Muneer, 2018). . Although rare, priapism can result in long-term erectile dysfunction if prompt medical intervention is not performed. A four-hour time frame is commonly used as the time interval in international guidelines for diagnosing priapism. This is because smooth muscle necrosis within the corpus cavernosum commences at this time. This is why there is a warning associated with Viagra about erections lasting more than 4 hours. I sometimes have to remind men that they're not supposed to have an erection for hours on end. You shouldn't be hard all night long. It's unrealistic and unhealthy. Priapism is a serious condition and Priapus isn't a good role model. 🎨 Priapus depicted with the attributes of Mercury on a fresco found at Pompeii, between 89 BC and 79 AD, Naples National Archaeological Museum  Take a moment to think about how you wank. I'll wait... If you conjured up an image of yourself sitting in front of a computer screen, cock in one hand, mouse in the other, clicking on a new video from your favourite tube site... Or, lounging/laying in bed, cock in one hand, phone in the other, scrolling or swiping through your favourite Instagram models... I hate to break it to you, but this way of masturbating is negatively impacting your sex life. The way you masturbate is the way you have sex with your partner. If you're closed down, stagnant, stationary, tense, focussed only on your cock, outsourcing your arousal to a fantasy on the screen in front of you, and furiously jerking off to reach an ejaculation as efficiently as possible, this is what will happen when you're with a sexual partner. You're conditioning yourself to experience pleasure in a certain way. When I encourage men to change the way they masturbate, one of the suggestions I make is to minimize the amount of porn they watch. Often, when men try this, they find it difficult to feel aroused without the visual stimulation and resort to fantasizing about a sexual encounter. Unfortunately, many imagined sexual fantasies are unrealistic, that's why they're fantasies. So, the fantasy on screen is just being substituted for a fantasy in your head. This isn't very conducive for changing your masturbation. Instead of fantasizing about something you want to, try visualizing something realistic actually happening to you. As you masturbate, visualize your current partner or person you're dating. See in your mind's eye their real body, in real positions. Hear their moans, feel their skin. Visualize your partner reaching orgasm. Imagine it all from a first-person perspective. And, if you're really ready to change your masturbation, start moving your body and connecting to areas other than your cock. Practice makes perfect, so don't just make this a one-time thing. The more you're able to visualize and become responsible for your own arousal as well as explore your pleasure and become responsive to your own touch, the better sex you'll have.  Just about every man - regardless of the actual size of his penis - worries about being too small. In fact, according to a 2008 study in the Journal of Health Psychology, men list the size of their penises among their top body concerns along with height and weight. Some men experience extreme self-consciousness regarding their penis size, fretting that others will be able to see the size or shape of their penis even when they have trousers on. Wylie and Eardley (2007) call this excessive concern 'small penis syndrome'. A man might not actually have a small or short penis, but that doesn’t mean this psychological condition can’t have an impact for him physically. For example, men who think they have a small penis might be less likely to visit sexual health clinics for check-ups. Most men find the combination of sex education with standard penile measurements helpful and relieving. This combination can correct any previous sexual misconceptions, relieve unnecessary anxiety concerning penile size, and decrease the desire to undertake still-to-be verified lengthening procedures (Shamloul, 2005). While reassurance about average sizes is often comforting for most men, for some men who are very anxious, it doesn’t make any difference to them because they feel that they are inferior. It's an emotional feeling of penis shame and can sometimes be a symptom of an underlying anxiety problem. If you find yourself worrying about your penis size on a daily basis, or if the intensity of your anxiety seems excessive, you may want to focus on daily anxiety management. Mindfulness practices such as meditation and breathing exercises can help to reduce your anxiety. Additionally, you may want to try minimizing your anxiety triggers. For example, watching mainstream porn can expose you to skewed representations of penis size. So watching less mainstream porn or watching porn with more diversity can be helpful.  What's your partner's relationship with your ejaculation? Something I encourage couples to do is experiment with intentionally not ejaculating when they're being sexual. I invite them to take ejaculation off the table for a few weeks. I ask them to do this for a few reasons. One reason is because it often brings up unconscious stories they have about ejaculation. I refer to these stories as the unspoken or unacknowledged symbiology of ejaculation. Ejaculation is usually considered a symbol of the man's pleasure. If he ejaculated, he must've enjoyed himself. Many people share this opinion. So, if he doesn't ejaculate, one story that arises is that he hasn't had a good time. Of course, this typically isn't the case and sex can be pleasurable without an ejaculation. Another related story that pops up is that of self-esteem for his partner. If he doesn't ejaculate, his partner may feel that they're not attractive enough or they haven't done enough to pleasure him or something is somehow wrong with them. This too isn't typically the case and there are many reasons why a man might not ejaculate, such as choosing not to do so. One other story that can be elucidated by abstaining from ejaculating is that of successful sex. For a lot of couples, sex ends with ejaculation, that's how they know sex was a success. Without ejaculation, couples can explore what else there is to sex and how they want to wind down.  🎨 Andy Warhol 1) Spend longer times in heightened states of arousal when masturbating. 2) Breathe into your diaphragm. 3) When you're close to cumming, change to a new sex position. 4) Create more safety and comfort with your partner. 5) Use toys! 6) Practice Kegel and reverse Kegel exercises. Do these during sex. 7) Don't rush to penetration. Do other sexual activities together beforehand. 8) Learn about other areas of your body where you experience pleasure. Incorporate these into sex. 9) Thrust slow and shallow. 10) Tell your partner that you're close to cumming and need to slow down. 11) Experiment with a numbing spray. 12) Imagine drawing your built up sexual tension away from your cock and toward your heart. 13) Relax your muscles instead of squeezing and trying to hold back your ejaculation. 14) During penetration, invite your partner to grind against you rather than stroke up and down on your cock. 15) Literally take a break from stimulating your cock during sex. Pull out and do some oral/fingering for a while instead. 16) Relax your tongue... seriously. 17) Try squeezing the head of your cock when you feel close to cumming. 18) Learn about other areas of your partner's body where they experience pleasure. Incorporate these into sex. 19) Don't tense your glutes and pump in/out. Instead, relax your lower back and rock your hips forwards/backwards. 20) If you do ejaculate, keep the pleasure going for another 15-20min until you get an erection again and go for round two.  In her 1991 journal article, anthropologist Emily Martin examined how gender roles are projected onto reproductive biology, portraying eggs as passive and sperm as active. Gynaecologist Gro Nylander exemplifies this in an excerpt from her 2002 handbook on pregnancy, writing: There she lies waiting. Big, mature, fertile. As it should be, the swelling Princess Ovum wears a crown. Not on her head, exactly. But she has a bright cell-crown all around her, the corona radiata. And here comes the prince. He is within the best room in the king’s castle. Now the last achievement remains before he gains Princess Ovum. He advances, and just before he touches her, it happens... He releases solvents, making it possible for him to penetrate the corona radiata crown and further into the interior of the ovum. He flaps energetically with his tail, drilling through the egg shell and in... From the moment she has let the prince in, she turns her other wooers away... He has fought and won. As Lie et al. (2011) point out, this story's protagonists, the gametes, are recognized as male and female due to their traditionally masculine/feminine looks, capacities, and aims. Nettleton (2015) also found this in her analysis of YouTube videos. Sperm are represented as little men embodying hegemonic masculinity and the most heroic sperm perilously outcompetes all others to win the egg prize. Whereas eggs are represented as featureless planets floating around without agency or action. It's about the “journey” of the sperm; the egg has no journey. The story-line resembles the fairy-tale Sleeping Beauty. Engelstein and Johnson (2014) note this kind of language is still used in scientific textbooks, potentially obscuring students’ understanding and undermining teachers’ accuracy. In fact, these gendered representations of fertilization aren't all that scientific. Instead of winning the sperm race, evidence suggests that specific sperm are selected by the egg as it releases compounds called chemoattractants (Fitzpatrick et al., 2020). This is exertion of cryptic female choice and is totally at variance with the stereotypical fairy-tale narrative of conception.  |
Cam FraserThis blog aims to discuss all things masculinity, sexuality, male bodies and men's experience of pleasure. Archives
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