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It is natural for erection firmness to wax and wane throughout a sexual experience. Many of us expect a penis to be hard the whole time we're being sexual, but this is sometimes unrealistic, especially during longer sexual encounters. If a penis does go soft, it doesn't necessarily mean there is an emotional or physical block, it could simply be a natural fluctuation in firmness. So, there is an acceptance piece to this which challenges the story that a man needs to be hard from start to finish of a sexual experience. One way to work on this acceptance is recognizing that a soft penis can still feel pleasure, it still has nerve endings even though it's soft. If you or your partner do lose some firmness, try exploring some soft penis pleasure. Typically, it is the thought of not being enough, or of being embarrassed, or of being less of a man, that stops a guy from continuing to be sexual when he goes soft. There isn't anything wrong with his body but because for him "erection = arousal" he gets in his head and thinks that if his erection is gone it means he isn't aroused, which is a bad thing and makes him feel anxious/ashamed. This anxiety/shame does indeed dampen his arousal, making it more difficult to get firm again. So spending some time getting back in his body when he does go soft can be really helpful. Helping him recognise that he can still feel pleasure in these moments of softness is one way of getting him out of his head. This pleasure that he can then start noticing becomes a positive feedback loop and helps him feel more aroused and in turn his erection firmness will probably come back. 
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Yes, testosterone is connected to libido but it's not solely responsible for it. For example, dopamine, cortisol and estradiol all impact libido. Also, women can have very high sex drives but produce hardly any testosterone. What this means is that men who blame their low desire on low testosterone may actually also have a mental block. Because our society has this story that men are supposed to want sex all the time and be able to get an erection at the drop of a hat, if a guy has a lower desire for sex or has some difficulty getting/maintaining an erection, he can feel very embarrassed, emasculated, ashamed and anxious that something is wrong with him. Because anxiety and shame can actually hinder desire, arousal and pleasure, these mental blockages can become a self-fulfilling prophesy. One way to work through this is by getting him out of his head and into his body. This could be helping him focus on pleasure, not on performance. A lot of men think they need to instantaneously get a rock hard erection, penetrate their partner for 3 hours straight, and then ejaculate. It is a very linear and very narrow way of thinking about sex. If sex doesn't look like this or if he can't perform sex like this for whatever reason, he may feel like there is no point. So, broadening your definition of sex and brainstorming or exploring other ways of being sexual together is important. That way, you can still be sexual with each other in a way that maybe doesn't invovled an erection, or penetration, and instead just focusses on what feels pleasurable. I use the analogy of an Erotic Menu. Imagine that being horny is like being hungry. And when you're hungry, you and your partner choose from a menu to eat from. It's the same when you're horny, you and your partner choose from your Erotic Menu what to "eat" in order to satisfy your needs. Unfortunately, many couples only have one item on their Erotic Menu: penetration. And that might not be what one partner wants or it may be something they're not capable of at that moment. So it's important to add other things to your Erotic Menu that you can choose from in order to satisfy your "hunger."  Blue Balls. I get asked about blue balls a lot. Men ask me about it when I discuss semen retention with them. Women ask me about it when their partner uses it as an excuse to pressure them for sex. Firstly, blue balls is not dangerous or harmful and is most definitely not an excuse to pressure anyone into having sex. Please do not use it as an excuse nor acquiesce to someone using it as an excuse. The term “blue balls” is a widely used colloquialism to describe the dull, aching sensation in the testicles after high, sustained sexual arousal unrelieved due to lack of orgasm and ejaculation (Chalett & Nerenberg, 2000). According to slang lexicographer Jonathon Green, the term blue balls dates back to 1916 and originally meant “intense sexual frustration." The word "blue" likely alludes to the meaning "sad," characterizing a man's frustration. However, its been suggested that the presence of deoxygenated blood, which is bluish in color, around the testicles explains the "blue" in blue balls. There is a dearth of medical literature acknowledging the existence of blue balls. Some studies with rabbits found that sustained sexual arousal increased sperm production (Amann, 2009) and increased the transport of semen along the epydidimis (Ambriz et al, 2002). While the pathophysiology is unclear in human males, it has been hypothesized that the acceleration of semen transport and the accumulation in the excurrent ducts causes pelvic venous dilatation and increased distension of the epididymis, thus urologists refer to blue balls as epididymal hypertension (Segura-Sampedro, 2016). Its been anecdotally reported that a similar thing happens when blood flow to the female genitals increases with sexual arousal. This is sometimes called "blue vulva" and may cause feelings of aching or heaviness around the clitoris and vulva. In either case, this feeling will pass when blood flow returns to normal, either after orgasm or when the arousal subsides. If you're really uncomfortable, it can help to learn how to move energy from your sex center using breathing and movement or try simply having a cold shower or dunking your testicles in an ice bath.  Penises are like snowflakes, no two are exactly alike ❄️ 🍆. They do the most growing during puberty, but puberty and penis growth happen at different times and speeds for everyone. According to Amara Charles, author of The Sexual Practices of Quodoushka: Teachings from the Nagual Tradition, there are nine male anatomy types; coyote, pitbull, bear, pony, horse, elk, deer, ram and dancing. Based on his observations, Darren Breen, Managing director of iMEDicare Ltd, a Medical Device Distributor specializing in erectile dysfunction, believes there are seven types of penis shapes; pencil, pepper, cone, banana, hammer, sausage and cucumber. The pencil has long and thin uniform girth with a narrow glans. The length can range enormously but it is very long and usually thinner than average. The pepper is unusually short but exceptionally thick along the entire length. The cone has a linear narrowing of the shaft to a pencil tip, sometimes linked to foreskin tightness. The banana features a curve to the left or right, either natural or caused by injury. The hammer starts with a slimmer shaft leading to a wider head, like a mushroom. The sausage is average thickness and length with a uniform girth along the length. The cucumber is thick all the way along, thicker and longer than average. It is important to know your penis, or your partner's penis, so that you know how to best use it, or please it. Length, girth, widening, narrowing, size of the glans, curvature, all these things can be explored by you and/or your partner. Learn about your penis and make the best use of what you've got. Be sure to check in with your partner about their genitals explore your compatibility.  Yes, testosterone is connected to libido but it's not solely responsible for it. For example, dopamine, cortisol and estradiol all impact libido. Also, women can have very high sex drives but produce hardly any testosterone. What this means is that men who blame their low desire on low testosterone may actually also have a mental block. Because our society has this story that men are supposed to want sex all the time and be able to get an erection at the drop of a hat, if a guy has a lower desire for sex or has some difficulty getting/maintaining an erection, he can feel very embarrassed, emasculated, ashamed and anxious that something is wrong with him. Because anxiety and shame can actually hinder desire, arousal and pleasure, these mental blockages can become a self-fulfilling prophesy. One way to work through this is by getting him out of his head and into his body. This could be helping him focus on pleasure, not on performance. A lot of men think they need to instantaneously get a rock hard erection, penetrate their partner for 3 hours straight, and then ejaculate. It is a very linear and very narrow way of thinking about sex. If sex doesn't look like this or if he can't perform sex like this for whatever reason, he may feel like there is no point. So, broadening your definition of sex and brainstorming or exploring other ways of being sexual together is important. That way, you can still be sexual with each other in a way that maybe doesn't involved an erection, or penetration, and instead just focusses on what feels pleasurable. I use the analogy of an Erotic Menu. Imagine that being horny is like being hungry. And when you're hungry, you and your partner choose from a menu to eat from. It's the same when you're horny, you and your partner choose from your Erotic Menu what to "eat" in order to satisfy your needs. Unfortunately, many couples only have one item on their Erotic Menu: penetration. And that might not be what one partner wants or it may be something they're not capable of at that moment. So it's important to add other things to your Erotic Menu that you can choose from in order to satisfy your "hunger."  How do you know when your partner is ready to be penetrated? Of course, your first answer to this question should be when you've asked her if she is open to it and she has responded with an enthusiastic, resounding "yes." Beyond verbal consent though are some unique bodily signs that you should try to be attuned to. Engorgement. As we get aroused, blood flows to our genitals. Penises get erect and vulvas get engorged. The colour of the skin of the labia may even change, darkening and reddening with the increased blood flow. Lubrication. Whether with her own natural fluids or with some applied water-based lube. Lack of wetness can be uncomfortable for everyone involved. Hip placement. Often tied in with the verbal and physical desire to be penetrated, your partner may move and tilt her hips toward you, like a gesture. This may also involved an arching of her back. Sound. Aside from the continued checking in and verbalizing of consent, listen for moans, sighs and other vocalizations indicating escalating arousal and desire. Energy. Tune in with what you're feeling in your own body and then see if you can pick up on what your partner might be feeling in her body. Notice any tension or something else that may make you feel that she isn't ready. Lastly, when you've really slowed down, payed attention to her, honoured your own sensations, built arousal and pleasure together, and responsed to her cues, both verbal and otherwise, hold the head of your cock at the entrance to her Yoni. Again, check in. Notice what you both feel. You may even notice that, if she is ready, her vulva will draw your cock in, almost inviting and welcoming it into her vagina, slowly, subtly, gradually. The Yoni is the sacred receptacle, the receptive pole, it can pull you in just as much as you can penetrate. Here in this moment, in this point of almost piercing the veil, about to enter the temple, ask again, "Are you ready?"  Just because you have a cock, doesn’t mean that you have to be the one in charge, or the top, or the dominant, or the person doing the penetrating, or be assertive, or be "masculine." Also, even if you are the one doing the penetrating, that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re in charge. You can be receptive, receiving, and vulnerable. You can be a bottom, be submissive, or be "feminine." The act of penetrating does not have to be a defining feature of being a man or being masculine and the experience of being penetrated does not have to be a defining feature of being a woman or being feminine. If you have a cock, it can be a liberating and opening experience to play with the energetic dynamics of penetration. Can you penetrate from a position of surrender and submission instead of the socially expected position of assertion and domination? Just because you have a c0ck, doesn’t mean that you have to be the one in charge, or the top, or the dominant, or the person doing the penetrating, or be assertive, or be "masculine." Also, even if you are the one doing the penetrating, that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re in charge. You can be receptive, receiving, and vulnerable. You can be a bottom, be submissive, or be "feminine." The act of penetrating does not have to be a defining feature of being a man or being masculine and the experience of being penetrated does not have to be a defining feature of being a woman or being feminine. If you have a cock, it can be a liberating and opening experience to play with the energetic dynamics of penetration. Can you penetrate from a position of surrender and submission instead of the socially expected position of assertion and domination?  Our world has set up penile-vaginal intercourse (PVI), specifically, as the “default” sexual activity - as the one kind of sex the majority of people will tend to think of when someone says “I had sex.” This was definitely the case in my adolescence. In fact, there was the notion that it only "counted" as sex if your penis penetrated her vagina. I remember a phrase oft used to enforce this notion, "Yeah, but did you fuck her?" PVI certainly isn’t the only kind of sex people have, it’s just one of many ways to be sexual with someone else, but that’s not how it’s presented a lot of the time. When something is framed like that, as the thing to do, people will tend to learn, covertly and overtly, that that’s what sex is and that’s what they should want. Strong messages that people should want something tend to pack quite a punch, especially for people who are very concerned with normalcy, which is a lot of people. Emphasizing PVI does a disservice to everyone who has sex. It makes foreplay seem less important, it pressures people to have penetrative sex before they may be ready, it perpetuates a heteronormative and phallocentric notion of sex, and it limits the amount of pleasure that can be experienced. Could "I had sex" also mean oral sex? Anal sex? Digital sex? Mutual masturbation? Phone sex? Perhaps it is time to start thinking about outercourse in addition to intercourse.  Many men ask me about ejaculation control and state that they're somewhat familiar with Mantak Chia's 3-finger, Million Dollar Point technique. Something I always make abundantly clear in my work with men is the dangers of using such techniques. The reason is simple: You are using external force to stop ejaculating. Now, this may well be ok if your intention is just to not externally ejaculate. But, if you're concerned about circulating sexual energy, having different kinds of orgasms, and making sure your pelvic muscles are healthy, the Million Dollar Point technique is not useful. The applied force to the perineum traps sexual energy in that area, which can cause physical and energetic complications. This is because you're creating a stoppage, not a recirculation of sexual energy. This forced stoppage of sexual energy creates congestion and, if done too regularly, can also create a stopping pattern in the body. This manifests as physical tension and tightness in the pelvic floor, which actually hastens the urge to ejaculate and limits your capacity for experiencing pleasure as well as different orgasms. While there are some effective ways to use the Million Dollar Point technique - utilizing a combination of massage, breathing, and visualization - I've found that many practitioners become falsely obsessive with stopping ejaculation at any cost, which can lead to sex-charged guilt when some seed is released. Which, in turn, creates a whole new set of anxieties and tensions. Not only that, these kinds of techniques can actually cause retrograde ejaculation, where the seminal fluid is sent into the bladder and is then expelled during urination. So, in actuality, you're still releasing your seed, perhaps just not when you think. Ejaculation control is about the recirculation of sexual energy. If you're relying on creating a forced blockage at the perineum because your abilty to recirculate sexual energy is not good enough to re-direct the ejaculatory impulse to the rest of the physical and energetic body, you are doing yourself more harm than good.  Everyone has stories about men's sexuality, including women. Here's something for the women who have messaged me. These are general and will not apply to every man: (1) We respond to praise. We aren't sex-crazed animals with no self-consiousness surrounding sex. We feel self-conscious about our weight, or parts of our body, and can really be affected by this when being sexual. We like to hear compliments. (2) We fear intimacy. We don't have a lot of outlets for intimacy in our lives and society tells us that we shouldn't want or need it. So taboo is this desire for intimacy that its possibility can terrify us; not because it's smothering, but because we realize how desperate we are for it. (3) We like sex for sex's sake. While intimacy and post-sex cuddling can be wonderful for many of us, sometimes a little "throw-me-down sex" is exactly what we want, plain and simple. This isn't about dominating you, it is about ravishing you. (4) We want to be touched. We aren't just our cocks, the rest of our body feels great when you touch it. We just don't tell you to move your hands elsewhere because we're afraid that if we do, you will shut down and not touch us at all. (5) We have sexual fantasies. We want to share our fantasies with you but we worry that you will shame or judge us. We also want you to share your own sexual fantasies with us. (6) We want you to be vocal and honest. Heavy breathing, groaning, and moaning are all sounds that turn us on. Talking and asking for what you want during sex is also a huge turn on. We want you to embrace sex. But, we don't want you to fake it. If the sex isn't good for you, we want to know. (7) Erections aren't everything. We can be aroused and not have an erection, just like we can have an erection but not be particularly aroused. If we aren't hard or able to get it up, it doesn't mean you don't turn us on. There are also ways to be sexual that don't involve an erection. (8) Ejaculation isn't the be-all and end-all. There are plenty of reasons we might not "finish" and just because we don't, doesn't mean we're not enjoying ourselves. It's also not your job to make us "finish".  |
Cam FraserThis blog aims to discuss all things masculinity, sexuality, male bodies and men's experience of pleasure. Archives
April 2021
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