Recently, I’ve received several messages and comments from people asking me why I even bother either responding to people who make inappropriate comments on my posts or making videos about other peoples’ content. They typically say things like, “What’s the point of fighting them?” or “Why are you giving them airtime?” or something similar. Often, this is followed up by something along the lines of, “They’re not going to change their mind anyway.” This is the point I want to speak into here.
I want to make reference to the process of debate. During a debate, the goal is not to convince or persuade the person who you are debating. Instead, the goal is to convince or persuade the people in the audience. This is the principle I apply when responding to inappropriate comments or critiquing someone else’s content.
I do not expect nor intend to change that particular person’s mind. I’m fact, most times I couldn’t care less what that particular person thinks about me and my response or critique. Instead, what I am attempting to do is share a counter argument or opinion to theirs's so as to give some of the people in the audience - in this case, the people reading the comments or watching the video - an opportunity to have their mind’s changed.
Perhaps some people in the audience agree, either wholeheartedly or just a little bit, with what a particular person has said in a comment or shared in a video. In some cases, if I don’t reply or create content that challenges this, that audience member might not have an opportunity to have their beliefs challenged about that particular thing. Using the framework of debate, that is like only having one person on stage speaking about their opinions without anyone offering a different perspective.
Do I respond to everyone? No. Is every post I share a fight with someone? No.
Among other reasons (which I’ve spoken about elsewhere), my intention is to present an alternative viewpoint so that you, the people reading, have differing perspectives to draw on when coming to your own conclusions. I don’t do it for them. I do it for me (because I also learn by researching and creating content) and I do it for you.
I often get asked about how to introduce bondage into the bedroom? Here are some bondage basics for beginners.
If you’re new to bondage/restraints, my 1st suggestion would be find someone you feel comfortable with exploring these things. It could be your partner, or someone who you’ve got a good sexual history with, or a trusted professional. Feeling safe with the person you’re either restraining or who is restraining you is important. Don’t try it with strangers.
If you and/or your sexual partner are new to restraint play, be sure to drop some hints about your desire to explore it before actually introducing it. It is so cliché, but communication is key. You don’t want to blindside your partner with bondage gear one night and them to feel overwhelmed by it. Maybe read some erotic fiction together or watch an adult movie that accurately depicts bondage.
This can help to dispel misconceptions about bondage. There is a lot of societal noise surrounding bondage and BDSM in general, so getting some quality information from sex- pleasure- and kink-positive professionals can help destigmatise your desires and contextualize the experience
When you and your partner(s) feel ready to experiment with bondage, you’re going to have to decide what type of restraints you want to use. This will be determined by carefully choosing which positions you want to try. For example, you want to simply lie on your back with your hands restrained above your head. This may call for something like the Fifty Shades of Grey Sweet Anticipation Reversible Faux Leather Wrist Cuffs. Or you may desire to spread all your partners limbs out on the bed. In that case, you may need the Fifty Shades of Grey Sweet Anticipation Reversible Faux Leather Under Mattress Restraint Set.
When beginning bondage, it is best to keep it simple. Cuffs and even blindfolds or ball gags are easier to introduce than harnesses and rope. If it is your partner who is new to bondage, starting simple can also make it more accessible and enjoyable for them. If your partner is the one who has more experience with bondage, ask them to explain what they’ve tried and what they haven’t, and why they liked it.
The DSM-5 (2013) defines delayed ejaculation (DE) as “difficulty or inability to ejaculate despite of the presence of adequate sexual stimulation and the desire to ejaculate.” Jenkins and Mulhall (2015) believe that delayed orgasm (DO) is the correct term as some men fail to ejaculate for medical reasons but still experience orgasm. The lack of a consistent definition and variations in research methodology has contributed to unclear prevalence rates, with recent population surveys and cross-sectional observations indicating that DE is a common form of male sexual dysfunction (Di Sante et al., 2016).
Unfortunately, of all the male sexual dysfunctions, DE is the least understood and least studied (Althof, 2012), making it difficult to treat (Butcher et al., 2015). It could be caused by medical, psychological and/or lifestyle factors (McMahon et al., 2013). For example, Teloken et al (2012) found that DE could be caused by SSRI use, low testosterone, abnormal penile sensation, chronic/idiosyncratic penile (hyper)stimulation, and psychogenic issues. Age-related hormonal declines and loss of peripheral nerve conduction may account for the increased onset over age 50 (Jenkins & Mulhall, 2015).
DE may also be caused by fear and anxiety during sex, such as hurting or impregnating the partner, childhood sexual abuse, sexual trauma, repressive sexual education/religion, sexual anxiety, general anxiety, “spilling of seed,” and conflict in men in their first sexual relationship after becoming widowed or divorced (Waldinger & Schweitzer, 2005). Similarly, Sandström and Fugl-Meyer (2021) consider some instances of DE to be a physical manifestation of psychological difficulties, such as the need for control of emotions and impulses, embarrassment and inhibition, and difficulty expressing wishes, needs, playfulness, and fantasies.
According to a systematic review, rugby and American football have the highest concussion incidences compared to other sports (Prien et al., 2018). Concussion is the most common type of mild traumatic brain injury (Tator, 2013).
Another recent systematic review found that sports related traumatic brain injuries - such as concussions - actually account for up to 30% of all traumatic brain injuries (Theadom et al., 2020).
One large study which examined traumatic brain injuries in 73,000 patients compared to 218,000 controls found that men with traumatic brain injuries were 2.5 times more likely to develop erectile dysfunction (ED) compared to the general population (Yang et al., 2018).
In a study of 3409 former American football players, 18.3% of them had low testosterone levels and 22.7% of them had ED. The study found a significant increasing association of concussions with reports of low testosterone and ED (Grashow et al., 2019)
“The Right to Sex” by Amia Srinivasan
I purchased this book the other and have just started reading it. I had previously read Srinivasan’s essay for the London Review of Books about Incels and appreciated her deconstruction of desire - that is, that no one is obligated to desire anyone else, that no one has a right to be desired, and that who is desired and who isn’t is a political question.
So far, a couple of chapters in, Srinivasan has touched on the intersections of false rape allegations and systematic racism as well as the anti-pornography movement of the late 1960s.
She includes relevant examples from the United States, the United Kingdom, and India to analyse the relationship between sex and gender, class, race and power.
I’m still trying to pin down Srinivasan’s beliefs about porn and sex work, as I find that she comes across a little sex- and pleasure-negative.
Her writing is engaging and thoughtful but I’ve also noticed a couple of instances where she could’ve included a highly relevant and prominent example yet failed to do so.
I’m looking forward to reading the rest of this book and seeing if any of my beliefs about sex, pleasure, desire, and masculinity are challenged.
This blog aims to discuss all things masculinity, sexuality, male bodies and men's experience of pleasure.