What's your partner's relationship with your ejaculation?
Something I encourage couples to do is experiment with intentionally not ejaculating when they're being sexual. I invite them to take ejaculation off the table for a few weeks.
I ask them to do this for a few reasons. One reason is because it often brings up unconscious stories they have about ejaculation. I refer to these stories as the unspoken or unacknowledged symbiology of ejaculation.
Ejaculation is usually considered a symbol of the man's pleasure. If he ejaculated, he must've enjoyed himself. Many people share this opinion. So, if he doesn't ejaculate, one story that arises is that he hasn't had a good time. Of course, this typically isn't the case and sex can be pleasurable without an ejaculation.
Another related story that pops up is that of self-esteem for his partner. If he doesn't ejaculate, his partner may feel that they're not attractive enough or they haven't done enough to pleasure him or something is somehow wrong with them. This too isn't typically the case and there are many reasons why a man might not ejaculate, such as choosing not to do so.
One other story that can be elucidated by abstaining from ejaculating is that of successful sex. For a lot of couples, sex ends with ejaculation, that's how they know sex was a success. Without ejaculation, couples can explore what else there is to sex and how they want to wind down.
🎨 Andy Warhol
1) Spend longer times in heightened states of arousal when masturbating.
2) Breathe into your diaphragm.
3) When you're close to cumming, change to a new sex position.
4) Create more safety and comfort with your partner.
5) Use toys!
6) Practice Kegel and reverse Kegel exercises. Do these during sex.
7) Don't rush to penetration. Do other sexual activities together beforehand.
8) Learn about other areas of your body where you experience pleasure. Incorporate these into sex.
9) Thrust slow and shallow.
10) Tell your partner that you're close to cumming and need to slow down.
11) Experiment with a numbing spray.
12) Imagine drawing your built up sexual tension away from your cock and toward your heart.
13) Relax your muscles instead of squeezing and trying to hold back your ejaculation.
14) During penetration, invite your partner to grind against you rather than stroke up and down on your cock.
15) Literally take a break from stimulating your cock during sex. Pull out and do some oral/fingering for a while instead.
16) Relax your tongue... seriously.
17) Try squeezing the head of your cock when you feel close to cumming.
18) Learn about other areas of your partner's body where they experience pleasure. Incorporate these into sex.
19) Don't tense your glutes and pump in/out. Instead, relax your lower back and rock your hips forwards/backwards.
20) If you do ejaculate, keep the pleasure going for another 15-20min until you get an erection again and go for round two.
In her 1991 journal article, anthropologist Emily Martin examined how gender roles are projected onto reproductive biology, portraying eggs as passive and sperm as active. Gynaecologist Gro Nylander exemplifies this in an excerpt from her 2002 handbook on pregnancy, writing:
There she lies waiting. Big, mature, fertile. As it should be, the swelling Princess Ovum wears a crown. Not on her head, exactly. But she has a bright cell-crown all around her, the corona radiata. And here comes the prince. He is within the best room in the king’s castle. Now the last achievement remains before he gains Princess Ovum. He advances, and just before he touches her, it happens... He releases solvents, making it possible for him to penetrate the corona radiata crown and further into the interior of the ovum. He flaps energetically with his tail, drilling through the egg shell and in... From the moment she has let the prince in, she turns her other wooers away... He has fought and won.
As Lie et al. (2011) point out, this story's protagonists, the gametes, are recognized as male and female due to their traditionally masculine/feminine looks, capacities, and aims. Nettleton (2015) also found this in her analysis of YouTube videos. Sperm are represented as little men embodying hegemonic masculinity and the most heroic sperm perilously outcompetes all others to win the egg prize. Whereas eggs are represented as featureless planets floating around without agency or action. It's about the “journey” of the sperm; the egg has no journey. The story-line resembles the fairy-tale Sleeping Beauty.
Engelstein and Johnson (2014) note this kind of language is still used in scientific textbooks, potentially obscuring students’ understanding and undermining teachers’ accuracy. In fact, these gendered representations of fertilization aren't all that scientific. Instead of winning the sperm race, evidence suggests that specific sperm are selected by the egg as it releases compounds called chemoattractants (Fitzpatrick et al., 2020). This is exertion of cryptic female choice and is totally at variance with the stereotypical fairy-tale narrative of conception.
Vasectomy is considered a simple, safe, effective and economical method used worldwide for long-term male contraception (Yang et al., 2021). The procedure involves isolation/exposition and occlusion of the vas deferens (Labrecque, 2019). That is, microsurgery is performed to cut the the duct which conveys sperm from the testicle to the urethra.
Getting "The Snip" is considered to be 99.9% effective at preventing pregnancy and, while vasectomy can be reversed in most men seeking to restore their fertility (Ramasamy & Shlegel, 2011), the surgery is usually promoted as permanent (Patel & Nguyen, 2019).
Only about 2-4% of men around the world use this method of contraception (Shattuck et al., 2016). And, approximately 3-6% of men opt for a vasectomy reversal, however this is a much more technically challenging procedure (Patel & Smith, 2016).
As such, in Australia, the Australian Medical Association advises that a vasectomy should cost around $650 while a vasovasectomy, or vasectomy reversal, should cost around $7000. Depending on the technique used to reconnect the vas deferens cut during a vasectomy, the reversal can have a success rate between 70-90% (Kavoussi, 2015).
According to Zhao et al. (2018), vasectomy has no long-term effect on testosterone and does not increase the chance of prostate cancer. Having worked with several men who've had a vasectomy, I have observed that it also does not diminish their capacity to circulate sexual energy or use their ejaculation for manifestation.
After vasectomy, many men start to produce antisperm antibodies (Nowroozi et al., 2007). This happens because the surgery may break the blood-testis barrier and sperm may come in contact with blood, setting off an immune response that attacks the "foreign" sperm. Sperm antibodies can interfere with the ability of sperm to swim and to attach to eggs thereby preventing conception even if a vasectomy reversal is successfully (Lee et al., 2009).
Therefore, you may want to consider freezing your sperm before vasectomy. This'll probably cost you AUD$600 to freeze and AUD$400+ per year to store. Making an informed decision about your vasectomy is important.
One framework for exploring our sexuality is the Jungian archetype of the Lover. For myself, I've noticed how easily accessible the shadow aspects are; the Addicted Lover and the Impotent Lover.
The Lover Archetype is the part of us that seeks to connect, to bond. Generally it is how we relate - how we relate to our emotions, to our body, to other people, to the universe, as well as to a Higher Power.
Therefore, addiction in the context of the Lover can not only look like typical indulgences and compulsions, but also like an overflow of emotions, being clingy or needy. I notice my own expression of this when I haven't been doing my personal practices and I feel a rising desire to project my sexuality outwardly. I want to touch, to watch. I lust, look and crave.
Then, impotence in the context of the Lover can not only look like lacklustre libido, but also like emotional stuntedness, being unable to open up. I notice my own expression of this when I allow my addict's desire to be fulfilled and I feel satiated. My itch has been scratched. I go back to being cut off.
I've observed this same swinging between the two shadows in other men. They go from excessively engaging with their sexual energy to completely detaching from it, from addiction to impotence. Often, men will try to stop a detrimental habit or pattern by abstaining from that sexual behaviour. This may work for a little while but, without guidance, they then swing back and start engaging unhealthily with their sexual energy again, until attempting to stop once more.
This flip-flopping can stem from shame about love or connection. Maybe you believe that you aren’t loving enough, or sensual and sexual enough, or emotional in the right way. Maybe you believe you're not really a loving person. So, you either give up on loving, or try to exaggerate any behaviors that look like loving to compensate for your shaming belief.
This blog aims to discuss all things masculinity, sexuality, male bodies and men's experience of pleasure.