I recently chatted with Parish Blair (@sexyspirittv) about oral sex. She helped me reflect on my own perceptions and offered a great reframe.
I was introduced to oral sex in my mid-teens, before intercourse. There was a sense of being welcomed into the club. My mates and I would tease those who hadn't experienced it. There was also a perception about the teenage girls who "gave head." They were considered more promiscuous, particularly if they also "put out" and had intercourse.
When I started having intercourse, this mentality shifted. My mates and I started teasing those who hadn't had "real" sex yet. When I shared with my mates about receiving oral sex, I remember them saying, "Yeah, but did you fuck her?" It was as if oral sex didn't count.
In my twenties, this became more true for me. I downplayed my desire for oral sex and pushed myself to have penetrative sex because that's what counts. I also still held an idea about the women who "gave head." I played into the narrative that "good girls don't do that." Regarding relationships, I wanted to date a "good girl," not a promiscuous woman.
Of course, this was all a warped perception of sex, masculinity and women. It made me feel ashamed about desiring oral sex and it made me project shame onto the women who gave oral sex. This tainted both my own experiences and no doubt the experiences of the women I was intimate with.
I notice a resistance many men have to fully surrendering and receiving oral sex because they think they need to be doing something, they need to be the active participant, that's the role of the man. This can add to the shame. Paradoxically, if a woman refuses to give oral sex, he may also feel shame, thinking something is wrong with him or his penis.
Parish explained that oral sex can be healing for both people. When done with gratitude and appreciation, it can dissolve shame and totally shift the way oral sex is perceived. She has a fascinating workshop called "How to Give a BJ With a Heart Full of Gratitude" which she was gracious enough to share with the women in my online course. I definitely recommend checking out her work at @sexyspirittv